Communication Saps

The Mary Something Something factor

Somewhere I still have an old “B.C.” cartoon I clipped from the newspaper decades ago. It’s a simple gag. Two cavemen are sitting on opposite sides of a boulder. One is examining a jagged mark on the back of his hand.

First panel: “I got a scratch!” he proclaims.

Second panel: “So scratch!” retorts the other.

Third panel: With a bemused expression, the first caveman gazes out of the panel and thinks, “Language is a stupid form of communication.”

I refer to this comic exchange because my wife Dana and I share a very special form of communication. It’s not quite stupid, but it has severe quirks. Oblique, you might call it. Or obtuse.

The other night we were watching a rerun of Law & Order: SVU. Dana recognized a guest star, and I swear this re-creation of the ensuing conversation is not exaggerated.

“Who’s that actress?” Dana said.

“I can’t quite remember. Her name’s Mary Something Something,” I replied. “Let’s see, Mary Something Something was in The Big Chill…”

Dana: “You think this actress was in The Big Chill?”

Me: “No, no. I’m just trying to run through actresses named Mary Something Something. Mary Beth Hurt?”

Dana: “You think that’s Mary Beth Hurt?”

Me: “No, I think Mary Beth Hurt was in The Big Chill.”

Dana: “Mary Beth Hurt was Garp’s wife.”

Me: “Is that her?”

Dana: “The Mary in The Big Chill?”

Me: “No, no, no. Is Mary Beth Hurt that actress there?”

Dana: “What? No, not her. Mary Something Something was on Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman.”

Me: “The actress on TV was on Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman?”

Dana: “No, Mary Kay Place was on Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. There was a Mary Something Something in a movie with an actor, he’s done a lot of things, he does, he does…”

Me: “That’s not Mary Kay Place.”

Dana: “No, Mary Kay Place was the Mary Something Something in The Big Chill, and she was on Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. Oh! Those Lowe’s commercials, he does the voiceovers for them…”
Me: “You think Mary Kay Place does the voiceovers for Lowe’s?”

Dana: “No, he’s — ”

Me: “He who? Are we still talking about that actress?”

Dana: “Yes, I’m trying to remember Mary Something Something actresses. He does the voiceovers for Lowe’s, and she was his daughter — ”

Me: “She’s the daughter of the guy who does the Lowe’s commercials?”

Dana: “No, she played his daughter in a lawyer movie. And she was in that pool movie with that other actor and the young actor. She was the young actor’s girlfriend and the older actor’s daughter or something.”

Me: “Well, that was Gene Hackman in the lawyer movie.”

Dana: “Yes! Gene Hackman! She was in that movie with him.”

Me, scoffing: “Yes, and she was in The Color of Money. But that actress on TV was not in those movies. That was — ”

Dana: “Yes, I know the actress on TV wasn’t in them, I’m trying to remember the actress in those movies because she’s a Mary Something Something.”

Me: “ — that was Mary Elizabeth Muh- Muh— ”

Dana: “ — Mastrantonio. Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio!”

Me: “OK, I know she was in the movie with the young guy who was Cher’s kid in that other movie.”

Dana: “Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio was in a movie with Cher’s kid?”

Me: “No… Mask! It was Mask.”

Dana: “Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio was not in Mask.”