P-Card Theater

From APB wire reports. Knoxville, Tenn. – A theater critic for The New Yorker magazine is poised to reveal the ongoing political strife in Knox County is a colossal hoax. Speaking on condition of anonymity, an intern for the theater critic explained how the sham was discovered.

“After the New York Times piece on Knox County government came out last month [www.nytimes.com/2008/02/04/us/04land.html],” said the intern, “everybody in the Big Apple media started watching Large Orange [sic] politics, sort of as a joke. I mean, look what was happening: appointees, removees, removed appointees running for office, being defeated, humiliated commission chairman resigning, replacement appointees, new appointees holding the longest-running commission meeting ever – it was like deranged reality television. We were all going, ‘Look at those dumb hicks – they aren't safe for democracy, ha, ha, ha.'

“But the latest hullabaloo made my boss suspicious. I mean, come on. On Monday, the county mayor announces this draft P-card audit won't be publicly released until his office has vetted it. Three days later, his own law director says to the media, ‘Hey, nope, the mayor's wrong; here, take a gander,' before the mayor even sees the audit? No way. As government process, it's idiotic. But, as theater, it's brilliant.

“So once we started looking into Knox County government, it became obvious it was bogus. I mean, $29,000 in sorority sleepovers at county expense? Commissioners calling each other ‘peckerhead' and ‘university twit' and citing the Spanish Inquisition and the Salem witch trials to protest ethics policies? A commission chairman speaks English like it's a second language, spouting things like ‘This just buffoons me'? A mayoral staffer uses a county credit card at Flashingblinkylights.com? And doesn't get a receipt? Come on, no government is that dysfunctional. It's beyond Theater of the Absurd; it's Kafka channeling the Marx Brothers. It's Theater of the Ridiculous. My boss said, ‘That's not government. That's entertainment!'”

That's when the critic realized that “Knox County government is the longest-running piece of unannounced performance art ever executed.” All the outrageous proceedings, the tantrums, the confrontations ¬– all have been clues to the fakery of the performance.

The artist behind this fantastic humbug has yet to be identified. Initially, comedian Jeff Foxworthy was suspected of perpetrating a gargantuan “You might be a redneck… ”-routine on Knox County, but this idea was dismissed as “too obvious.” Suspects currently include Laurie Anderson, Yoko Ono and Beauvais Lyons, the University of Tennessee artist famous for fabricating artifacts from hoax civilizations and lecturing on “The Politics of Parody.”

Knoxville Voice has learned the charade extends beyond county government. When contacted by e-mail for his reaction to the hoax, blogger Randy Neal of KnoxViews.com replied, "I'm surprised it took this long for everyone to figure it out. KnoxViews has been in on it from the beginning. Lumpy's line about the ‘McCartney hearings'? That was some of our best work. Too bad it's getting exposed right in the middle of Act Two, though. My P-card got cut off, and Scoobie's not returning my calls. (P.S. – You're not going to tell anyone that ‘exposing' it is Act Three, right?)"

Some locals, however, were surprised. "So that's why [Commissioner] Paul Pinkston wasn't at the South Knox Waterfront meetings – it wasn't in the script,” said Knoxvillian Rachel Craig, a veteran observer of local politics. “And they said you couldn't make up stuff like this!"

One local media personality, who refused to be identified for fear of disciplinary action by her employer, said, “We always knew Knox County government was a joke. We just didn't know it was intentional.”

Local arts and entertainment insiders are pondering the identities of these government performers. Local actor and writer Stephen Dupree observed, “I thought ‘Lumpy' looked familiar. I think he portrayed an aristocratic doctor in an English soap opera that was popular during the time I spent in London. This role of a complete idiot with serious diction and vocabulary limitations must be an incredible stretch for him. I imagine he will be getting serious recognition from his peers for this role. (Assuming any of them actually make the connection.) Bravo, I say! Bravo!”