The Feminist Debate

Last year, a debate at the University Center Auditorium – attended by more than 15 students, all of them on academic probation and required to attend four extracurricular lectures before the end of term – erupted in a riot. Because the event was so sparsely attended and scarcely advertised (other than bulletin boards near Women's Studies classrooms and two area adult novelty shops and a Clinton Highway massage parlor), there was no public reaction. However, the fallout was rather shocking: Two respected leaders in the women's movement were wounded in mutual combat and arrested after being treated and released from an area hospital. A melee broke out in the audience, described later by one member as “totally bored” at the beginning of the debate, but “way into it” by the debate's finale. Several police were called to the scene, two EMS vehicles and a psychologist to help the addled assistant provost deal with “lawyer threats.”

After months of wrangling over Freedom of Information Act access, we have obtained the following transcript of the event.

MODERATOR: Hi, I'm Kelsey, your moderator in today's feminist debate. Our subject is Escorts and Exotic Dancers: Lowest form of Exploitation, or Highest Form of Feminism? Our guests are Women's Studies Professor Raven Shrewsberry, for the Lowest, and Hi End Novelties, Inc., CEO Astrid Gleideren, for the Highest. OK, ladies – I mean, gosh – honored guests – OK, let me just say that, as a college junior still totally waiting for my inspiration as to what major to declare, I am also most undecided on this issue. I mean, like, what is a feminist?

(Confused Silence.)

MODERATOR: Hellooooo? That was your first question, ladies.

RAVEN: Kelsey, a feminist is an advocate for women. Not just women's rights but women's dignity.

ASTRID: Agreed.

MODERATOR: Cool!

RAVEN: No, not cool. Astrid Gleideren and her company advocate against women's dignity. They advocate for a sex industry that exploits and demeans women for profit.

ASTRID: Kelsey, Raven should change her name to Parrot, because what we're hearing is the same tired old rhetoric these dried-up, self-neutered man-haters have been squawking for four decades.

RAVEN:  Until tarted-up, self-deluded man-bait like Astrid stop objectifying themselves and millions of powerless women, we will continue to squawk, Kelsey.

MODERATOR (nodding): Squawk on.

ASTRID: Kelsey, people like me recognize that a woman is a sexual being with power that is unique to the female gender. A woman's sexuality is her ultimate power over men. It is, in fact, the strongest asset a woman has in advancing her own interests…

RAVEN: Spoken like a woman with few assets above the neck. Kelsey, a woman's ultimate power is her mind, just like a man's.

MODERATOR:  Even in, like, math?

RAVEN: Society has bred women to believe they cannot succeed as easily in traditionally male academic pursuits like math and science. It's another example of men brainwashing women to view themselves as sexual objects.

ASTRID: I have an accounting degree, by the way. Raven majored in liberal arts.

RAVEN: I'll have you know I got a 3.7 in analytic algebra.

MODERATOR: Omigod! That is sooo hard. I'm sorry, Dr. Shrewsberry, but I totally wimped out and took statistics for my math credit.

RAVEN: And how did you do?

MODERATOR:  3.0. Just barely, though. I had a 2.8 but talked my prof into letting me do a color chart on Power Point for extra credit. He was sooo sweet about it. I even turned it in, like, two days past deadline, and he just said whatever, you still get credit!

ASTRID: Did you feel objectified?

RAVEN: Doesn't matter how she felt. She was objectified.

MODERATOR: Huh? He didn't touch me. I mean, he copped one of those geeky leers you get from, you know, desperate dudes who spend way too much time watching Girlz On Hot videos…

ASTRID: We own that trademark, by the way.

MODERATOR: It totally worked out in my favor, though. So Dr. Shrewsberry, isn't that a good thing?

RAVEN: No, Kelsey. It is an experience that validates your lifetime of low self-esteem rooted in an environment that ascribes to women a one-dimensional view of female sexuality as valuable only insofar as it gratifies men.

MODERATOR: But I was totally gratified by my good grade!

RAVEN: It was a trade based on sex.

MODERATOR: And color charts.

ASTRID: Kelsey empowered herself in the ultimate sense by using her charm and feminine appeal to advance her own interests. The professor was weakened by it. See, Kel, it's like this: We women want to work; we just don't want to work that hard. So nature gave us a way to compensate.

RAVEN: Until this moment, I did not believe in Satan.

ASTRID: Good illustration! Eve used her wiles to lure Adam…

RAVEN: Oh, great! The original, patriarchal demonization of the female sex. You know, Astrid, I carry an emergency cyanide tablet in the steel toe of my shoe just in case women like you really do win some day.

ASTRID: And use it as what… a breath mint?

MODERATOR: Ladies, ladies, ladies…

RAVEN: Look, you hopeless little twit, stop calling me a lady.

ASTRID: Sorry, Kelsey. She doesn't approve of antiquated terms like “lady” that measure a woman's virtue.

RAVEN: Ironically, the one of us who objects to it is also the only one of us who could accurately be described as a lady.

ASTRID: And what's that supposed to mean?

RAVEN: You're a smart cookie, Astrid. Figure it out. But to be fair, I also object to value terms like “slut,” “tramp” and “whore.” In fact, if some mangy bastard came around here calling you an alley skank jonzin' for degradation, I'd kick his ass.

ASTRID:  And if he called you a high-octane bitch with Freon for estrogen, I'd head-butt him. Harder'n you could.

RAVEN: Nuh uh.

ASTRID: You wanna watch, you pinch-lipped dork-ass? I've had a man this week. What about you?

RAVEN: More'n you have.

ASTRID: Bullshit.

RAVEN: You callin' me a liar? Turn up the lights over that audience. I said turn up the God… damn… lights! We're taking this discussion onto the floor.

MODERATOR: I think our guests have totally snapped. I'm calling my boyfriend to pick me up.

RAVEN (Storming out from her podium toward Astrid): Kelsey, don't subvert your own strength to the false, palliative security of your boyfriend's masculinity. Stand on your own two feet! AAAARRRGH.

MODERATOR (On cell phone, waiting): He better be home.