Yellow-Pages Justice

We in the United Private Sectors of Uncareica are well off, with all our needs provided through the free-market system. Under the UPSU Bill of Sale, Uncareicans can buy all the rights they want. But some people are always discontented. Periodically, some quack politician broaches the idea of a nonprofit, universal judicial system with all personal civil rights therein guaranteed. And every time some pol proposes this, it seems like a flock of parrots takes flight, all squawking the same damned “Socialized justice! Socialized justice!” refrain. What a bunch of bird droppings!

Don't those birdbrains realize what “socialized justice” would mean? Who in their right mind believes the government can protect citizens better than citizens can? Consider all the basic societal protections we need: food and water quality and safety, traffic control and safety, construction safety, fire protection, environmental protection and more. As an Uncareican, you are a caveating emptor when you purchase any of these goods or services.

For example, the typical Uncareican buys his water, then tests it at home with his own water-quality-testing apparatus. But what if water quality were administrated by the UPSU government? Even if you could trust a bureaucracy to get the test right, how could you be sure they weren't adding something to your water? Maybe something to brainwash you, like fluoride. Scary, right?

Oh, advocates of socialized justice will tell you not to be scared. They insist that all they want is for everybody to have some coverage in our judicial system, regardless of their ability to pay for it. They promise free justice to people who can't afford legal representation.

And they'll always bring up “the children.” “How will the poor children pay for their justice?” they'll cry, tugging at your heartstrings like pitiful Quasimodo yanking on Notre Dame's bell ropes. How can you resist? But you cannot treat rich people like chattel while you give legal representation to snot-nosed kids claiming to be have-nots.

Just as there's no such thing as free healthcare, there's no such thing as free justice. The real agenda here is justice redistribution. What they want is to take justice from those who pay their own legal bills and give it to the kids of deadbeat criminals who don't. There is no justice in such thievery. Besides, socialized justice has never worked. Look what it's done to the United States of America.

Our private legal system works fine. If somebody does something illegal to you, you just shoot 'em with your own God-given gun. Or, if you prefer, you can hire private police officers to catch your criminals and lawyers to sue them in the court of your choice before a judge you buy. The free market at work. Private enterprise at its finest. Respectful of personal rights, no lines, no waiting, no muss, everybody makes a profit – what more could anyone want? Anyone willing to pay for justice can get it. You simply get the justice you pay for.

Those who didn't have the foresight to arm themselves to the teeth and to make enough money to retain the best counsel and bribe the best judges should not penalize those who did. If we nationalize the UPSU legal system, revenues going out will rapidly exceed those coming in. Then, we must either bring in more revenues (through taxes or borrowing) or reduce services (through rationing and/or elimination of justice).

Mr. and Mrs. UPSU Taxpayer, you are being asked to pay for your neighbor's legal system. If you think your lawyer's fees are too high now, imagine what they will be when you're paying for everyone else's justice. To paraphrase P.J. O'Rourke, “If you think justice is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's ‘free.'”

What will socializing the legal system really do? It will drive legal costs up and bring the quality of rulings down. Under a nationalized, “free” legal system, writs of habeus corpus will cost an arm and a leg, pleadings will be reducing to begging, motions will be stillborn, appeals will be unappealing, reversible errors will be mistaken, cross examinations will be vexed and verdicts will be verboten. Plus, taxes will be higher.

Right now, you need look no further than the yellow pages to choose a police force, legal counsel and courts of law to settle your case. But under a socialized justice system, forget about choice. When just anyone can bring charges against anyone else, the government will have all the police forces busy tracking down jaywalkers and sidewalk-spitters, clogging the system with piddly stuff like that. The government will treat everybody's case the same, because a bureaucracy can't distinguish between important and unimportant cases.

If criminals ever get caught, and the case actually goes to trial, it will be impossible for you to hire the best attorneys, because the government will force them all to work government-mandated cases. And there won't be any private lawyers anyway, because, under government-set pay scales, no one will have an incentive to study law. In fact, hard-working, for-profit lawyers will all be run out of business.

Plus, it will be impossible for the wealthy to secure their preference of courts to hear their cases because the government will deem that too prejudicial to the accused or something like that. They'll keep coming up with supposed “rights” of “victims” (especially children) that must be “protected” until the system is overwhelmed.

A concept like “equality of all before the law” is only a stepping stone to government-dictated law. Socialized justice will mean long waits and crappy service and being told by the government what justice you can and can't have and when you can and can't have it. It will mean shortages of justice and justice rationing. It will mean whole regions will simply run out of justice. And after socialization of the legal system will come the outright socialization of all business, followed by socialization of the press. Heck, they might even try to socialize health care.

This is the trend that socializing justice will set in motion. So it's best to leave the law where it belongs: in the hands of private individuals with the money to pay for it.

Yes, justice for all…who can afford it. Especially the children.