Santa Claus

Every year, Santa Claus travels the world on Christmas, delivering toys to all the good little girls and boys. How does he do it? We may never know. The scant information we have about him comes from poems and songs, and not all the reports are good. We managed to track the man down for a Sit n' Spin and get his thoughts on some songs about him.

Damned
“There Ain't No Santa Claus”

KV: These men are denying your existence.

Santa: That makes me sad. Who is this?

KV: The Damned.

Santa: Yes, they are.

Kenny Rogers
“I Believe in Santa Claus”

Santa: Kenny!

KV: Kenny Rogers, however, totally believes in you. Does that make you feel good?

Santa: Yes. Kenny's always good. And Dolly's on here, too! I like her, especially in her little Santa outfit.

KV: Have you ever eaten Kenny's fried chicken?

Santa: Yes.

KV: Any good?

Santa: (pause) I don't want to say anything negative about Kenny.

Alan Jackson w/ the Chipmunks
“Santa's Gonna Come in a Pick-up Truck”

Santa: The Chipmunks! They're a favorite.

KV: This is one for the South, where we don't get a lot of snow. Have you ever come in a pick-up truck?

Santa: No, that's just a regional embellishment to the legend.

KV: Don't you think that new Chipmunks movie looks terrible?

Santa: Well, maybe. But I do like that Jason Lee. He's been a pretty good boy.

Jimmy Flynn
“Santa is Hooked on Country Music”

KV: Is it true what Jimmy Flynn says?

Santa: I'm not so into country music. I like the early stuff. Hank, Lefty, you know. What they call country is not really country music anymore. I mean, Taylor Swift?

KV: But people like her. She seems to speak to millions of Americans. Doesn't that validate her somewhat?

Santa: I'm all for things that bring joy to people's lives. But personally, it pains me how many of her CDs I have to deliver this year. Of course next year, it will just be someone worse.

Insane Clown Posse
“Santa Claus is a Fat Bitch”

KV: Now this is harsh.

Santa: Insane Clown Posse?

KV: What's up with all the Santa hatin'?

Santa: You know what that's all about? Jealousy, tiny imaginations and even tinier hearts. I'm used to it. Needless to say, lumps of coal all around.

Jeri Kelly
“Poor Ole Santa Claus”

Santa: There's a long tradition of kids singing warbly, out of tune songs about Christmas. I think adults think it's cute.

KV: Yeah, I find this kid's voice extremely annoying. Have you seen her picture? There's something wrong with her face.

Santa: “Poor Ole Santa Claus”? Poor Jerri, is more like it.

Weird Al Yankovich
“Iron Santa Claus Parody”

Santa: Black Sabbath? Oh, Weird Al! I love Al! I also like his “Christmas at Ground Zero.”

KV: At Ground Zero? Like the World Trade Center?

Santa: No, this was back in the ‘80s, a WWIII song. It's pretty dark for Al. But it was the Reagan era, so nuclear paranoia was rampant.

Bruce Springsteen
“Santa Claus is Coming to Town”

Santa: The Boss.

KV: This song has been done a lot. How do you rate Bruce's version?

Santa: It's probably my favorite. He always has fun with it, and it's a strong favorite at concerts. Bruce puts on a great show and sends out a good vibe.

Britney Spears
“Santa Baby”

Santa: Well, I know the song, but who's singing it? (pause. Face drops in realization.) Oh. She's definitely getting a lump of coal.

KV: Hasn't Britney been a good girl this year?

Santa: Hardly. I'll get her kids something nice, though. Unfortunately, I can't give them what they really need.

KV: Which is?

Santa: New parents.

Jackson 5
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”

Santa: Ah, Michael.

KV: What do you have to say for yourself?

Santa: …

KV: Do you think maybe seeing this contributed to Michael being so messed up now?

Santa: I guess this may have had a horrible effect on him at an early age. But you know, he did bring a lot of joy to a lot of boys and girls before things went so wrong. It could have been worse. Have you heard Dr. Demento's “I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus?” Imagine what that would have done to Michael.

KV: “What a laugh it would have been if daddy had walked right in.” You're lucky he didn't; Joe apparently had quite the temper.

Santa: I don't know. I can hold my own.