Ask a Gay Guy: Protocols (Page 1 of 2)

Happy New Year, everybody!

I have some more questions from the “Ask a Gay Guy” mailbox, but first I wanted to tell you about an experience that I had at Christmas. I am from a small town in middle Tennessee and my grandfather is about as Southern Baptist as they come. In fact, his church is so primitive that it lacks indoor plumbing. They are still using an outhouse, in 2008!

Anyway, I met the family at Pa’s annual Christmas Eve dinner at the Pizza Hut (no joke), and when I arrived, I hugged both of my grandparents. My grandpa has taken to the one-arm, side hug, which we all accept as very masculine, but he’s added a slight push at the end. Imagine he approaches me from my left side, wraps one arm around my shoulders, pats me once or twice on my right shoulder and then moves his hand back to the left shoulder to push me away! I’m not sure what to think about it. He did this maneuver once before, and my aunt told me that he was worried about germs. This time I wondered if he was afraid that I would hit on him (GROSS… )! Or he didn’t want the Pizza Hut employees seeing him hug me? Or maybe it’s just his way of letting me know that I should be a “grown man” and not get used to hugging men?

I didn’t know whether to be hurt or to just laugh. So I decided to laugh. Two days later, I experienced another bit of his humor. He asked me to turn on his singing, dancing Santa Claus and to “Watch him dance… pause… but don’t get any ideas... ” He’s a comedian, my grandpa. A real scream…

Dear Gay Guy:

My partner and I recently attended his 25th high school reunion, where some of his classmates were thrown [about our relationship] (others appeared to be saying, "pay up, I told you so"). One of his female best friends of that time kept asking the expected questions, but consistently began each inquiry with "from a Christian point of view..." My partner didn't know quite how to answer her, as she didn't seem to be looking down her nose but was truly confused. He merely answered her questions to the best of his ability, leaving out any real reference to the "Christian point of view." Is there a particular protocol on how to handle such specific questions?

Yet Another Gay Guy

Dear Another,

I have thought about your question for a while and have come up with three possible scenarios on how to deal with this situation. First, I think it sounds like your partner did a good job of simply answering the questions and avoiding the Christian reference. We should all remember that every situation and conversation we find ourselves in is different and will require various handling. The type of explanation that we offer our friends might be different from that which we offer our elders, strangers or co-workers. Failure to recognize these social/conversational preferences is often what causes problems. Trust me; I have been reprimanded more than once about so-called “professionalism.”

Second, if you and your partner do not identify as Christian (yes, even in the Bible Belt we are afforded the freedom of religion), you might politely inform the friend that you are not Christian and therefore are unable to answer her questions from a “Christian point of view.” You might choose to answer her from a gay point of view, or a human point of view or even a scientific point of view. Any of these should be acceptable.

Finally, if indeed you do identify as Christian, one might assume that you have spent some earnest time with the scripture and possibly in prayer and have an understanding of what it means to be a gay Christian. In that case, you would want to answer the friend’s questions with honest answers. Keep in mind that it is very difficult to get people to change their perspective, especially in subjective areas such as politics, religion and sex.

I do appreciate the friend’s curiosity and willingness to speak up, ask difficult questions and try to understand something foreign to her. If we could all have that courage, coupled with some integrity and respect, we stand to learn a lot from one another and to grow as citizens of the world.



Dear Gay Guy,