Ask a Gay Guy: Online Respect (Page 1 of 2)

The weather is climbing its way back up into the 60s as I write this. It makes me wonder if spring is on its way or if we will be fooled by a mid-March blizzard. I get nervous when we have mild winters, because I worry about mosquito-ridden summers with highs in the 100s. On the other hand, I am looking forward to spring. I am totally ready for rejuvenation, for turning over a new leaf. I have been particularly prone to hibernation this winter, trading nights out on the town for early dinner, television and early bed. More recently, I have felt particularly uninspired. I am ready for spring to help me break out of this funk. I guess that is a lot of pressure to put on a season…

I found a few more questions hanging around in the Ask a Gay Guy mailbox. If you have a question, definitely send it my way. I LOVE to answer questions. Seriously. I spent some time with a friend and her teenage daughter last week and I was totally thrilled to get to answer a barrage of questions from the teen: When did you come out? How long have you known? Have you ever been intimate with a woman? Did it hurt the first time? I get a sense of purpose from answering these questions. The way I figure it, if a person has the courage to ask a question, willingness to hear the answer and enough respect to withhold judgment until they have the answer, then I am more than willing to answer their questions. So, without further ado…

Dear Gay Guy,

Sometimes when I’m online at Craig’s List or ManHunt, I am put out by the folks that don’t have pictures in their profiles or ads but demand a picture from me in order to meet. I don’t think this is fair. If I want to meet someone, I include my picture in my initial message. I expect the same respect. What do you think?

Thanks,

C.L. Cruiser

Thanks for the question, Cruiser. I imagine that several people are asking themselves this same question (or one very similar). I see two themes emerging from your question. One is about respect and expectations. Why should anyone demand a picture from you when they haven’t offered you one first? The other theme is about safety and equality. Why should someone expect you to put yourself on the line, or take risks (at best outing yourself, at worst becoming the victim of a hate crime?), when they are not willing to take those risks. They should consider why they value their own autonomy over their privacy. I hope I am correct in my interpretation of your question.

You are right to raise these questions. Of course, if you raised them in the chat room, you risk everyone thinking you are a b*tchy queen and being “blacklisted.” (We all know that’s never fun.) Speaking of respect and expectations, let’s compare the chat room to a bar: Say someone catches your attention. Would you ask the server to tell the hottie to come over to meet you? Of course not! Who would find that attractive? Probably the same person that thinks it’s hot for you to send a message without a face pic.

And when speaking of safety, we all know privacy is important in this day and age. As a matter of self-preservation, many men have taken their photos down from their profiles. The risk of outing themselves is greater than the reward of getting to chat or hook up with a great guy. However, why is it OK for that guy to expect you to take that risk when he’s not willing to? The answer: It’s not OK. We have to compromise to get what we want. Sometimes that means we have to take the risk, go out on a limb and send our picture to a hottie to catch his attention. And I will bet you are worth it, Cruiser!

Dear Gay Guy,

OK, I have a gay friend and recently I fell in love with him.  I'm a guy and didn't consider myself even bisexual until I got to know him.  I keep wanting to kiss him but I don't know how to ask him... Can you help?

Pining

Dear Pining,

Your question made me smile and feel good inside (not sure that makes you feel any better) and reminded me of my own not-so-distant past. When I was trying to determine how to approach my first kiss (with a girl), I asked several friends this same question: “How do you ask someone if you can kiss them?” The answer was unanimously, “You don’t… Just do it!” If the mood is not right, or the person doesn’t feel the same way, you will know very quickly. But that’s the risk we’re willing to take for love.